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I recently went through tons of my old belongings while in the process of moving so it got me curious to look through some old diaries I had. I previously had several boxes of stuff stored at my father’s home for a few years and thought I would pick it up and go through it and he had me take it or he would throw it out. He said he had read through some of my old calendars or diaries. I just today realized how much stuff was actually written in these things.

My handwriting is almost like code so those who read it may not fully understand it but he must have gotten some of the writings. He said he felt guilty for being a bad father all these years and by that he probably meant he should’ve beat the gay out of me or made me goto church more. I doubt he meant actually more loving.

My family was a conservative family from Oklahoma growing up. Thankfully in the smaller city of Oklahoma City and not in the smaller hick towns. My dad lived on the northwest side of town while my mom lived more in the diverse northeast side of town. My dad’s side was more like the suburbs or white flight area at the time but not as suburbs as Edmond or Norman, Oklahoma.

The rents divorced when I was around 8 years old and it was a troubling youth growing up going from parent to parent each day. At the same time it gave me freedoms most youth do not get. It also gave me more independence.

While growing up the family was highly conservative mostly coming from my Dad’s side with a Baptist background. My Mom’s side just had a few religious ones such as my great Grandmother who would donate money to that evangelist in Tulsa in her last years and my Aunt who once said all gays would die of AIDS while watching the news.

My mother was purely anti-abortion and pretty much not understanding gay culture. We even went to an anti-abortion rally in downtown at the capital once. She married a new husband who was more on the hippie side and must have turned her more liberal because she has certainly progressed from there.

The first incident happened when I went out to a bar and meet this gogo dancer and somehow had his number on a business card with a shirtless photo on it of him. She found that and questioned me about it. Later on she found some really erotic (and probably disgusting to some) chats from when I found my way to the internet during the dial-up days. Why on earth I would print this out is beyond me but it took so long just to connect to the internet and would be an hour or so to get a good thirst trap photo or nude downloaded. I normally would print them out and take them to my room. At this point my mom pretty much knew.

Although if I look back the very first time she should’ve known is when she told me about sex between a guy and a girl and I was disgusted.

Time went on and she got a call in the middle of the night where I had been caught trespassing in an apartment complex hot tub with this guy named Roger. It was one of the most erotic things ever and an apartment complex that many of my friends lived in the time so I didn’t really consider anything there trespassing.

Time went on some more and I graduated college and moved in with my dad a few months before moving in with friends. While staying there my dad evidently walked by the computer while I was downloading more nudes. He then asked my uncle who taught me everything I knew about basic computing as a teen to look into the hidden files and lock me out if I was hiding porn. My uncle did find gay porn and locked me out of the computer.

This is when me and my dad had the conversation where I admitted I was gay. He freaked out and called me a faggot and what hurt worse was the word queer which is the name of this site. I honestly still dislike that word. The Q and F word have always meant bad things to me.

He then went on to put up bible verses on the refrigerator and all around the house. He would put bible verses up even on the door to enter through the garage and over the wallpaper in places in the kitchen. He put the ten commandments up over the hallway. This is all from a guy who never went to church while parenting me unless his own mom made him. I was normally the one who would do church on my own out of boredom when I was a kid.

It evolved to the point where he wanted me to see a psychologist at this place called “A Chance to Change.” This I totally objected to.

I went and had a talk with my mom about being gay in the park and she basically told me just don’t go around and have anonymous sex in parks… I think she was mostly worried about my health and wanted me to find true love. She was mostly accepting of it and she said she would go to the counselor with us.

We went to counseling and he basically told my dad that I have a right to make my own decisions and be with who I want to be with. I was so against going to see this counselor and yet he was basically on my side and that was totally unexpected. I was so relieved. If he wouldn’t have stood up for me it would have really made a bad turn in my life. I can only imagine a teen going to a psychiatrist or counselor and them saying he should try and be straight or reject them. I can’t imagine how bad it would bring them to isolation and damage their self-worth.

My father still hasn’t came along too well with me being gay. He’s had a better time with it than expected over the years but I have yet to bring home a boyfriend or hold hands with someone in front of him or invite him to a wedding. He is actually more conservative now than ever as a Trump supporter but we still talk from now and then.

So why did I wait until I was 21?

I actually didn’t want to come out until I had a relationship to show them the love that was possible between two guys. I was unable to produce that boyfriend before I was 21 as I was more determined to graduate college and get a job I love before doing so. I was mostly ambitious. I always felt that you shouldn’t come out until after you at least get out of college or high school.

While I was bullied at school growing up and called a fag and queer it wasn’t to the point I had to tell my parents it was because I was gay. I seriously didn’t know. I knew I was different but thought maybe I was bi. I had been with girls but only barely for sex and the sex wasn’t anything I was that happy about. It was more for show than anything.

I think I came out at the right age but I do wish I would’ve came out another way than porn. I wish I could’ve had a boyfriend to show off. That is what hurts more than anything.